By Maggie Schill

Over the past two years I’ve been experimenting with a rare form of Budo. This art is called “te-pu-do” – The Way of the Tape.

It started out with curiosity, which led to necessity. Pretty soon my every thought was captivated by the tiny white roll that is sports tape!

Only through complete devotion to “The Tape” can one hope to unlock the doors to true enlightenment. It was through vigorous training, experimentation and deep soul searching that I’ve uncovered the Truth…and that truth is “The Tape.”

Now that I’ve uncovered this truth, I’ve become convinced to reveal this art to the world, so all might benefit from my training.

Here I have listed just a sample of the jitsu of power…the true techniques of “The Tape.”

1- Learn who your enemies are:

Tape off wrists, shoulder, feet or toes. Training partners will see the presence of “The Tape” as sign of injury.  No good man will attack what they perceive is an injured joint. However, a bad man will think it’s a target.

2- The road is hard:

Often times the training grounds are damaging to the warrior’s tootsies! Mat burn, cracked calluses and split heals are but a few assaults that await you. Reflect on your sport’s tape firmly in this hour. Apply “The Tape” over these dermal annoyances to extend you training time.

3- Silence is a virtue:

In class does your partner talk more than he trains? With “The Tape” there is an obvious answer!

4- Dress the part:

Hole in your dogi? Knees wearing out on your pants? Tailor not! “The Tape” is all you need to shield these imperfections from the world.

5- Hide your shame:

With much pound cake comes much shame! With much shame comes a larger waist line. All too often the warrior will find himself happy with a few extra poundage, and his belt no longer encompasses his mighty girth! “The Tape” is all one needs to bridge the gap between belt and belly.

6- Top notch top knot:

Elastic bands break. Barrettes bend. The answer to all conceivable hair malfunctions lie in the dojo’s first-aid kit. “The Tape!” Oh, glorious scrunchy of eternal adhesiveness!  Turn every down day into an up-do!

7- Brazilian Sunburn:

Before “The Tape” came to me, I would cower at the site of an opponent’s brawny chest hair. Through diligent training and long meditation I have overcome my fears. With “The Tape” in hand, not even the potency of colossal chest hair can thwart your courage! Apply and pull! Your adversary’s screams will be heard as far as the parking lot.

8-  Ho-Ho-Ho:

The power of “The Tape” can take you to new social heights! Are you feeling inadequate in your dojo because of the lack of a full and puissant beard! “The Tape” has the answer. Cut six strips from its hallowed roll and place firmly to your sleek chin, and then train, dignified before your fellow warriors.

9-  One-Half the Fun:

Sometimes the warrior needs to let loose and have fun. However, the serious warrior must take care not to have too much fun. Take “The Tape” firmly and pull forth from it a two foot strip. Leave that sublime strip attached to the roll. Grasp joyfully (but discretely) to the end of that strip and let the hallowed roll hang. You will then have a (somewhat) functional yo-yo. (Also known as a “yo.”) This contraption is also perfect for when you only need to have half the fun that a conventional yo-yo provides.

This is but a sliver of the amazing possibilities you will have when you set out on “The Way of the Tape.”